bizarre and funny....

I had a moment a couple days ago where I just couldnt help but think "this is so bizarre".

I was randomly selected for doping control shorty after dinner, nothing like giving up some 'blood and urine' in the evening. The moment the 5 officials walked into our "mcmansion" I grabbed my water, slapped my forearm to wake the veins and off we went. Strolling through the hotel complex I couldn't help but laugh as I was being escorted by 5 officials past athletes eating dinner and hanging out in the lobby. When we arrived at the "control" I had to almost laughed outloud... a small hotel room, a VERY tidy double bed room with 6 officials now crammed into room 123. The additional official was dressed head to toe in medical green, complete with face mask (USOC cycling issue....) preparing her butterfly needles and random veils.

After a comedy routine officially known as "filling out the forms" I settled into the chair and "miss green" stabbed me in the arm. When I say "stabbed", I mean freddie cougar has nothing on greenie. After the first stab she quickly realized she didn't get enough out of the war wound she had created and zoned in on my left arm. At that moment, just as she was about to slash my left arm Javier Gomez walks into the room. Now Im too proud to show any fear to Javier so I smile, say "hey mate nice to see you" and distract myself just long enough to let miss green autopsy my forearm.

With Javier in the room, along with his Spanish escort and an official we now had 10 people crammed into room 123. Javier and I switched spots by shuffling through and around the "extra's" so I could get to the bathroom to give the urine sample and he could begin the mountain of paperwork. I quickly fulfilled my urine sample requirements;

"please raise your shirt and drop your pants"

"please turn so I can see you"

"please fill to the 110ml line"

After which I strolled back into the room, navigated through the maze of people with my "warm cuppa pee" raised above my head (as to not risk having it spill) and made my way back to the paperwork station.

And for a moment, even after what could be 100 drug tests over the 12 year span of my career I realized how funny and bizarre this all can be. Standing there with my good friend and competitor Javier 2 feet away watching me, along with 10 random officials (including the scappel yielding miss green), they fell silent, for no apparent reason and watched me pour my still warm pee;

"half way to the label of jar B please"

"all the way to the top of jar A"

"and the rest back in Jar B"

"wait, stop, put some more in A"

"wait stop, leave some in the cup please"

I followed procedure to the letter, as you would be crazy not to. Javier laughed as I think he understood the absurdity of it all, I hoped he messed up his paperwork and had to stay longer, ha.

I left, put on my head phones and laughed to myself that my job requires me to pee in a cup and get stabbed by miss freddie cougar to give blood all so I can prove I'm a clean athlete who runs around in his swimsuit for a living.

s